When someone is in pain or is struggling, you may not know what to do. You want to relate, connect, comfort, give advice and let him/her know you are here. Sometimes you unintentionally end up doing more harm than good.

The Book of Job demonstrates this well. Job’s friends did very well when they were silent and sat with Job as he and they grieved (Job 2:11-13). Things went downhill when they started to speak. They accused Job of sinning, said he needed to repent and gave worldly advice (Job 4-37).

A lot of us are like Job’s friends. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but we can do better. As someone who has been that hurting friend, I know what it feels like to be unheard, misunderstood and alone.

If you have a friend in pain, are a pastor or leader, and are concerned about someone in your church or have a family member who is not quite themselves, I pray these tips will help you in your conversations with them from here on out.

Listen, Get The Full Picture and Ask Questions

Listening is one of the best skills you can develop. It can save you from hours of unnecessary arguments and hurt. Yet it is the least practiced skill in modern dialogues. 

Most conversations you see online end up with shouting matches and people talking over and interrupting each other. They often just listen to reply rather than listen to understand, gently correct, and comfort.

This approach is detrimental to people who are hurting or going through a faith crisis. They are often just looking for someone to go to who will listen to their struggles, allow them to grieve or ask difficult questions. They want to be around someone who will give them the time of day and will listen to them.

That is why listening is so crucial. If we do not take the initial steps to listen to understand, then we will lose the right to be listened to. If we speak too much and do not give others a chance to do so in return, we will reap the consequences. As Proverbs 18:13 says:

To speak before listening is folly and shame.

Sometimes you may experience someone who shares everything with you and it’s hard to keep track. One thing you could do is summarize what they have said from time to time to make sure you have the full picture. You can do this by asking clarification questions like, ‘Just to make sure I’m tracking…’,’ Please correct me if I’m wrong, but…’ and ‘Are you saying…?’.

By doing this, you are showing the other person that you really care about them, you take their pain and issues seriously and they see that you don’t have an agenda.

If you sense that there are recurring issues or topics that you can do a deep dive in, ask them questions about that topic and see where it will lead.

Now this does not mean you don’t try to speak the truth to them. This may take a couple of conversations to get to, but listening and getting the full picture will open the door to the other person receiving the truth.

Don’t Give A Ton Of Advice

Most people often resort to this. I have done it so many times, but have instantly regretted it.

Giving advice isn’t always the best thing to do when someone is hurting or dealing with a well of emotions (any married woman would tell you this). The person you’re speaking to may not want it for a couple of reasons:

1. The advice may feel like a laundry list of things to do and can be overwhelming. It can create a mindset that it’s all up to me. As a result, it may make them feel even worse, especially if they are a task-oriented person.

2. It may not be the advice they need for now. Maybe they only need to think about one thing and they may need something more practical and tangible.

3. Someone giving a ton of advice often can come across as a know-it-all all. Even if the person giving advice intentions are god, it can stop them from coming to you. You can save the advice for later down the road or until they ask for it.

Balance Sympathy And Truth

When a person is in pain, the last thing they need is for someone to empathize, which is what culture encourages us to do.

While the intent of empathy is good, in that it tries to connect with the person’s pain, in the long run, it will cause more damage than help.

Identifying someone’s pain will lead to the person feeling alone and isolated. It re-establishes the idea that there is no help and person in pain who needs help needs to figure it out on their own.

Sympathy, on the other hand, sees the problem and looks for a solution. It does not condone sin but is full of compassion and stands firm on truth.

Jesus speaking to the woman caught in adultery is a great example (John 8:1-11). He did not empathize with her sin, he sympathized with the sin she engaged in. He had compassion on her, however He told her to go and sin no more.

Avoid Saying, “Other People Have It Worse“

This phrase is a personal pet peeve of mine. During the times I was really hurting and searching for answers, the people closest to me said this and I felt guilty for even opening up.

This is the last thing we would want anyone in pain to think or feel. I understand that you need to put things into the proper perspective, especially when you are dealing with adults.

However, you need to see that their problem is really big for them right now and not to diminish that. This is an approach several parents take when dealing with everyday cuts, bumps, bruises and tantrums.

By acknowledging their pain, even if it seems insignificant, they are more likely to come to you for more serious issues later down the road.

You need to take a similar approach with people in pain as adults aren’t that different emotionally speaking than a child (though of course more mature in many ways).

Do you agree? Is there something important that I have missed? Let me know in the comments.

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Reference

• Empathy vs Sympathy section: 5 Lies Of Our Anti-Christian Age